The clock is ticking.

She said "no wonder you have no motivation to work, your body knows."

I imagine she said this, then went home and went on with her life. How nice of her.

I'm growing tired of this, this sleeping many nights with beeping things and sticky things stuck to your chest, for no real reason than to tell doctors what you already feel inside you.

Not too close, no, but much, much closer than it really should be.

Everyone tells me I need to get more, experience life as it is. I do not. I want to experience life as I want it. I cannot waste time on unpleasantries and the mundane. Proportionately, I have very little time allotted for that.

I made it through the last cycle without crying, which pleases me. I always feel as if all the world is staring at me while I cry, judging me, when no one is really there at all.

Just a bit longer, he says, persist, for some unknown purpose. For someone eternal, your words carry little weight.

I'm tired inside. Tired of all of this. Tired of spending my life living here instead of with my closest friends, where I belong. I want to live with them, and yet..

The first, only time i've ever prayed to any god that may exist. I cannot live with them, and have one of them find me. It may not happen for 5 years or 20, but I would rather impale myself than have them come upon me in that state.

Todd says if I don't find a place to live when I return in January, then there will be no more place for me here. It is that thought that beings me so close to crying.

I could have sworn that nothing was this fucked up a few years ago...

Or perhaps it was, just in a different way.

I find myself juxtaposed, happy in some strange way, yet utterly, impossibly unhappy...at once.

I have felt my heart lift and sink so many times recently that i'm surprised it's still beating.

Hearing my father ask if I still have "that stupid heart thing" did not help much. I know by his character that he cannot maintain intimate relationships, thus is forever casual. However...

I have no one to hold. Of all things for me to need... I do not need to be held, I am far too restless. I need to hold. I am not even sure why.

Please don't hold me, i'm barely keeping it together as is....

I want to say "help me..." but no one really can, can they?

I don't like what Michele is saying.
That I shouldn't be wasting my time.
I also don't like how my manager is hitting on her.
It's dangerous for her.
But it takes alot for me to realise that I cannot fix things.
Other people's problems.
I want to so much..

I don't like driving to work with my mom anymore.
Going to work is bad enough.
She always has to be constantly talking when I
just want to get it over with and go.
I'm really beginning to worry about myself.
I am very good at my job.
But I am not healthy or happy.
Somwhere, there is a line.

Everyone is so busy..
It feels very strange.

Ashly got fired today.
She has babies to feed and another inside her.
I don't know what she is going to do.
Then again, I don't know that for me either.